So Your Husband Views Porn
***TRIGGER WARNING*** - depictions of sexual violence. Not for kids.
First let me say, I am so sorry! This is not a judgemental statement. How do our boys and men not view porn these days?! Seriously. I feel for them. Soft core porn (the teaser) images are everywhere, on every video, ad, article, commercial, at the beach, in the mall, you name it. Soft core porn is part of our everyday culture, fashion and media. To quote Ted Bundy, "soft core porn is the gateway to hardcore porn."
Unless your husband is extremely committed to not consuming porn and has a strategy in place with accountability and the right blocking software, he is certainly at risk of developing a dependency or addiction. Let me tell you why I am in your corner to help you fight this ladies!
- Viewing porn releases a huge amount of dopamine in any human brain from our husband to our sons, to us too. That is why it is so dangerous. It is most dangerous on a developmental (teen) brain. And like any drug, viewers will develop immunity and need MORE to get the same amount of dopamine released on that very first click. More in porn will mean more graphic, more hardcore and more quantity! Sadly there is no bottom to this need for more. That's why I say porn destroys lives, on both sides of the screen.
- 88% of porn shows violence. It is impossible to view non violent porn today. Porn today is not sex anymore it is a crime scene. Most porn scenes show girls/women being penetrated by multiple men in all orifices at the same time. Not just extreme physical violence but verbal as well. The goal of porn today is to DEBASE & DEHUMANIZE a human being.
- Porn will not stay in a box. It will come into your bedroom. Regular viewers of porn will want their to imitate what they are seeing on the screen. Partners are regularly asked to do things that make them feel uncomfortable or sick. Something "trending" right now on porn is as after a woman is violently used the man/men then ejaculate in her face. I am not making this stuff up. This is porn. Did we expect it to be different? One guy told his girlfriend that after he comes he wants to punch her in the face. He saw that on porn and wanted to act it out. Viewers of porn will have the 'need' to act out what they see, so will children/youth who view porn regularly. That is how the brain functions.
- Porn is deeply racist and teaches misogyny. Women/girls are never referred to as a women/girl/person or human in porn. They are only referred to as horrible names associated with their body parts (I think you can imagine). This will impact your husbands world view and especially how he views women, sex and you. After time, users of porn view all females as objects, designed only for male pleasure. They are ranked in terms of "F**kability". (this term comes from leading global researcher Gail Dines). If this becomes your husband's world view, it will come out in his parenting. How will he teach his boys to respect women? How will he be protective of his daughter and treat her in a way that makes her feel loved and valued, especially once she begins to physically develop? Porn is very dangers for all future parents and current parents to watch.
- If it's on your husband's device, how long will it be before one of your children stumble upon it? Or his boss?
Porn doesn't lead to anything good for those watching, those connected to that person and those on the other side of the screen that are there due to a lack of choices and lack of power to make those choices. No one "freely chooses" to be gang raped. That is porn. We must ask ourselves why in the world would these girls/women be there. Clearly it's because they have been manipulated, coerced, forced, tricked or have had all other choices taken away (poverty, mental health, addiction, trapped in the sex trade & trafficking).
Conclusion: we gotta support our husbands in their battle! We have to have open communication. We have to ask our husbands regularly about their battle with porn. Ideally they have other men to do this in their lives but most users act in secrecy and shame. We have to create an environment of openness i.e. no screens in bedroom, bathroom, behind closed doors. Share each other's passwords. Re arrange offices to have screens facing the door not away from the door. And yes, get all the software need, listed below.
We have to talk to our kids about what to do when they see a naked body on screen. We have to teach our kids to love and value their bodies and other's too! Girls do not get their values by their looks and especially tween/teen girls, your sexiness does not determine your worth. Boys, sex is beautiful, caring, mutual and respectful, always. Sex is not a sport. It is not a competition to see who get the most of! Sex is not meant to viewed, shown, recorded or distributed! Sex is not violence. It is not to be used to hurt, intimate or harm another human being. It is a valuable treasure, worth fighting for.
Here are more resources for you to consider.
Resources to break porn addiction:
fightthenewdrug.org (science based brain research in easy to understand English)
https://www.joinfortify.com/ science based support for lasting healing
covenanteyes.com/ (one of the most reputable organizations helping men break addiction, faith based)
https://www.sathiyasam.com Deep Clean. Unleash the Man Within. Broke free after a 15 year porn addiction.
Educate Yourself on the Issue:
https://www.johnfoubert.com/is-porn-bad Dr. Foubert has studied violence against women for 3 decades. He has a lot to say on porn.
Raised on Porn, Documentary, https://magiclanternpictures.org/ (impact of porn on our kids today)
brainheartworld.org (educational, scientific based, 3 part, documentary, well done, not overly graphic, for older teens)
https://www.culturereframed.org/parents-program-on-porn-hypersexualized-media/ Checkout the free parent program.
Teach Your Kids Biblical Sexuality
https://www.moralrevolution.com/
Resources for Talking to Your Children About Sex and Relationships https://www.intoxicatedonlife.com/sex-ed/
For more parenting tips READ LIST OF RESOURCES HERE.
p.s. IF YOU DISAGREE. You don't need to come tell me. You have the right to hold another view. Please simple go write your own view on your own website.